Young People Ask . . .

How Can I Tell Him How I Feel?

“I would like an answer to the question, Who should be the one to declare that he or she is in love​—the man or the woman?”​—Laura. *

HE IS someone you’ve recently met or possibly someone you have known for a while​—and you would like him to be more than a friend. You are convinced that he feels the same way and that he is just too scared or shy to say anything. So you wonder if it might be a good idea for you to make the first move. *

Before going further, let us first think about the feelings of the people around you​—those in your family and in your community. For example, does local custom say that it is your parents’ job to find you a mate? * Granted, you might feel that courtship and marriage are personal matters. Still, Christians try to avoid causing needless offense to others. They also want to consider the feelings of family members and loved ones.

In many lands today, though, it is quite normal for couples to come together by their own choice in order to court before deciding whether to marry. Would it be wrong for the woman to take the initiative by expressing romantic interest in the man? Again, feelings of family and community might enter the picture. Would that course of action shock or offend many?

What further light does the Bible shed on the question of whether a woman could properly take the initiative? In Bible times a God-fearing woman named Ruth approached a man named Boaz about marriage. And Jehovah God blessed her efforts! (Ruth 3:1-13) Of course, Ruth was no child; she was a widow, obviously old enough to marry. Nor was she frivolous or flirtatious with Boaz. Instead, she closely followed God’s laws on marriage.​—Deuteronomy 25:5-10.

Perhaps you are old enough to consider marriage, and there is a certain young man you are interested in. Even so, opening your heart to someone who may not feel the same way is a delicate, risky matter. It is like taking your heart and putting it in someone else’s hands. Will he handle it tenderly or drop it on the ground? The best way to avoid unnecessary embarrassment or emotional devastation is to follow Bible principles.

 Act With Shrewdness

It is easy to get caught up in romantic daydreams. You might even picture your wedding day and beyond. However, while reveries of this sort may be enjoyable, they are illusions. They can produce overwhelming desires that you have no means of satisfying. As the Bible says, “expectation postponed is making the heart sick.” (Proverbs 13:12) Daydreams can also distort your judgment. However, Proverbs 14:15 says: “The shrewd one considers his steps.” Being shrewd means having common sense and sound judgment. How can you be shrewd in the realm of romance?

First, try to “act with knowledge.” (Proverbs 13:16) As one young woman put it, “you really cannot love a person until you get to know him.” Before offering your heart to someone, pay attention to what he does and how he speaks. Observe how he treats people. “Ask his friends about him, adults who know him well,” suggests one young man. Is he “well reported on” by those in his Christian congregation? (Acts 16:2) Also, suggests a young woman named Isabel, “going out in groups and getting to know his family can be very helpful.” Group settings allow you to observe without being under a lot of pressure.

Getting to know someone in this way takes time and patience. But it will enable you to see attitudes, traits, and qualities that will either confirm your feelings or cause your feelings to change. Proverbs 20:11 states: “Even by his practices a boy [or young man] makes himself recognized as to whether his activity is pure and upright.” Yes, sooner or later his actions will reveal what he is inside.

Therefore, wisely stifle the temptation to push ahead and reveal your feelings prematurely. If you are hasty and he responds favorably, you may find out later that he is unsuitable as a marriage mate. * Having committed yourself, your ending the relationship may hurt the young man​—perhaps deeply.

The Impression You Make

This young man may very well be observing you too! Are you presenting yourself in a way that lets your godly qualities shine? “I’ve noticed that a lot of girls do not dress appropriately,” says Isabel. “If you want a spiritually inclined person to notice you, you have to dress modestly.” Regardless of what the fashion world may dictate, adorning yourself “in well-arranged dress, with modesty and soundness of mind,” will make you more attractive to a godly man.​—1 Timothy 2:9.

The Bible also encourages young Christians to be “an example . . . in speaking.” (1 Timothy 4:12) The way you speak reveals a great deal about you. What should you do when opportunities arise to converse with the young man? If he is shy, he may be uneasy and nervous. A young woman named Abbie says, “You may have to start the conversation to see how he reacts.”

How? If you chatter nonstop about yourself, he might well conclude that you are self-centered and shallow. The Bible recommends “keeping an eye, not in personal interest upon just your own matters, but also in personal interest upon those of the others.” (Philippians 2:4) Asking a few appropriate questions about him or his interests may help him to open up a bit.

This is no time to resort to a “tricky tongue” or the “false lips” of flattery. (Psalm 120:2) A discerning man will see through such speech as insincere. At the same time, avoid saying things just because you think he wants to hear them. This is especially true if your conversations take a more serious turn and you begin discussing such things as your  personal spiritual goals. Always be yourself, by being sincere, truthful, and genuine. Only then can you know if your lives are heading in the same direction.

If There Is No Response

What, though, if in spite of such modest efforts, no romantic spark is ignited? Perhaps several weeks​—or months—​have gone by and he still expresses no interest in you. Should you simply brush that off as shyness? You might ask yourself: ‘If he is really that timid, is he ready for marriage? If I were to marry him, would he be able to take the lead as family head, or would he expect me to do so?’ (1 Corinthians 11:3) Another question to ponder, ‘Is he really shy or simply not interested in me romantically?’ The latter would be a painful conclusion to draw. But facing it could spare you the embarrassment of revealing romantic feelings to someone who simply doesn’t feel the way you do.

You may feel that you have seen evidence of romantic interest. You feel that he is simply too slow about expressing it and that he would respond to a little encouragement. Perhaps. But if you decide to take the initiative, you must realize that this is risky. You should give a lot of thought to not only what you will say but also what might be the right time to say it.

You may decide, for example, that to indicate that you welcome his attention would be better than blurting out that you are “in love.” In a relaxed and appropriate setting, you could simply say that you would like to know him better. Don’t worry if your expressions seem a little clumsy. The sincere feelings behind your words may say far more than the words themselves. Remember, too, you are only expressing a desire to begin a courtship, not proposing marriage. Even so, this may surprise him, so allow him time to absorb what you have said.

If you have truly come to know this young man and have seen for yourself that he is kind and considerate, you do not need to fear a nasty reaction or humiliation. But how should you react if his answer is a kind but firm no? And how should a young man behave in such a situation? A future article will consider these questions.

[Footnotes]

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Observing how he behaves may change your feelings toward him

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If you are romantically interested in someone, talk to responsible adults who know him