Chapter 30

Am I Ready for Marriage?

MARRIAGE is not a game. God intended for husbands and wives to forge a permanent bond, closer than that with any other human. (Genesis 2:24) A marriage mate is thus someone you will stick to​—or be stuck with—​for the rest of your life.

Any marriage is sure to suffer some “pain and grief.” (1 Corinthians 7:28, The New English Bible) But Marcia Lasswell, who is a professor of behavioral science, warns: “If there is one unchallenged bit of information we have concerning whether or not a marriage will last, it is that those who are very young when they marry have three strikes against them.”

Why do so many young marriages fail? The answer to this may have a strong bearing on determining whether you are ready for marriage or not.

Great Expectations

“We had a very poor idea of what marriage was,” admits one teenage girl. “We thought we could come and go, do as we pleased, do or not do the dishes, but it isn’t that way.” Many youths nurture such immature views of marriage. They imagine it to be a romantic fantasy. Or they head for the altar because they want the status of appearing grown up. Yet others simply want to escape a bad situation at home, at school, or in their community. Confided one girl to her fiancé: “I’ll be so glad when we get married. Then I won’t ever have to make any more decisions!”

 But marriage is neither a fantasy nor a cure-all for problems. If anything, it presents a whole new set of problems to deal with. “Many teenagers get married to play house,” says Vicky, who had her first child at 20. “Oh, it looks like such fun! You think of a child as a little doll, something that is so cute and that you can just play with, but that’s not the way it is.”

Many youths also have unrealistic expectations regarding sexual relations. Said one young man who married at age 18: “After I got married I found out that the great thrill of sex wears off very soon and then we started having some real problems.” One study of teenage couples found that second to financial problems, most arguments were over sexual relations. Doubtless this is because satisfying marital relations result from unselfishness and self-control​—qualities youths have often failed to cultivate.​—1 Corinthians 7:3, 4.

Wisely, the Bible encourages Christians to marry when they are “past the bloom of youth.” (1 Corinthians 7:36) Marrying when passion is at high tide can distort  your thinking and blind you to a prospective mate’s flaws.

Unready for Their Roles

One teenage bride says of her husband: “Now that we are married, the only time he acts interested in me is when he wants sex. He thinks his boyfriends are just as important to be with as I am. . . . I thought I was going to be his one and only, but was I fooled.” This highlights a misconception that is common among young men: They think that as husbands, they can still live the life-style of single men.

A 19-year-old bride points to a problem common among young wives: “I’d rather watch TV and sleep than clean house and fix meals. I’m ashamed when my husband’s parents visit because they keep a nice house and mine is always a mess. I’m a lousy cook, too.” What stress it can add to a marriage when a girl is incompetent domestically! “Marriage really takes commitment,” stated Vicky (previously quoted). “This isn’t a game. The fun of the wedding is over. It soon becomes day-to-day living and that isn’t easy.”

And what about the day-to-day grind of supporting a family? Vicky’s husband, Mark, says: “I remember that for my first job I had to get up at 6 a.m. I kept thinking:  ‘This is hard work. Will I ever get some relief?’ And then when I got home I felt that Vicky didn’t understand what I was going through.”

Money Problems

This brings us to another cause of marital discord for young married couples: money. Forty-eight teenage couples admitted that after three months of marriage, their biggest problem was “spending family income.” After nearly three years, 37 of these couples were asked the same question. Money problems were number one again​—and their anguish was even worse! “What fun can you get out of life,” asked Bill, “when you never have enough money to buy the things you need to make you content? . . . When you don’t have enough to last from one payday to another, it can start lots of fights and unhappiness.”

Money problems are common among teenagers, as they often have the highest rate of unemployment and the lowest wages. “Because I couldn’t provide for my family, we had to live with my parents,” admitted Roy. “This created real tension, especially since we had a child as well.” Proverbs 24:27 advises: “Prepare your work out of doors, and make it ready for yourself in the field. Afterward you must also build up your household.” In Bible times, men worked hard to be in a position later to support a family. Having failed to make such adequate preparations, many young husbands today find the role of provider a burdensome one.

But even a good-size paycheck will not end money problems if a couple have a childish view of material things. One study revealed that “teenagers expected to be able to purchase immediately for their projected family units many of the items that probably had taken their parents years to acquire.” Determined to enjoy  these material things now, many plunged deeply into debt. Lacking the maturity to be content with “sustenance and covering,” they increased stress in their marriage.​—1 Timothy 6:8-10.

“Miles Apart”

Maureen recalls: “I was in love with Don. He was so handsome, so strong, such a good athlete and very popular . . . Our marriage had to work.” But it did not. Resentment built up to the point where, as Maureen says, “Everything Don did irritated me​—even the way he smacked his lips when we ate. Finally, we both couldn’t take it anymore.” Their marriage collapsed within two years.

The problem? “Our life goals were miles apart,” explained Maureen. “I now realized that I needed someone I could relate to intellectually. But Don’s whole life was sports. The things that I thought were so important at 18 suddenly meant nothing to me.” Youths often have a childish view of what they want in a marriage mate, making good looks a priority. Proverbs 31:30 warns: “Charm may be false, and prettiness may be vain.”

Making a Self-Examination

The Bible calls rash the person who makes a solemn vow to God, but only ‘after vows is he disposed to make examination.’ (Proverbs 20:25) Would it not, then, make sense to examine yourself in the light of the  Scriptures before you enter into something as serious as a vow of marriage? Just what are your goals in life? How will these be affected by marriage? Do you want to get married simply to experience sexual relations or to escape problems?

Also, to what extent are you prepared to take on the role of husband or wife? Are you capable of managing a household or making a living? If you find yourself in constant conflict with your parents, will you be able to get along with a marriage mate? Can you withstand the trials and tribulations that come with marriage? Have you truly put away “the traits of a babe” when it comes to handling money? (1 Corinthians 13:11) Your parents will no doubt have much to say as to how you measure up.

Marriage can be a source of rich happiness or of most bitter pain. Much depends upon how ready you are for it. If you are still a teenager, why not wait a while before you begin dating? Waiting will not harm you. It will simply give you the time you need to be truly ready if and when you take that serious​—and permanent—​step of marriage.

Questions for Discussion

□ What immature views of marriage do some youths nurture?

□ Why do you think it is unrealistic to marry just for sex?

□ How have some youths proved to be unprepared for the role of husband or of wife?

□ Why do young couples often have serious problems over money?

□ What mistake do some youths make in selecting a marriage mate?

□ What questions might you ask yourself regarding your readiness for marriage? After considering this information, how ready to undertake marriage do you feel you are?

[Blurb on page 240]

“If there is one unchallenged bit of information we have concerning whether or not a marriage will last, it is that those who are very young when they marry have three strikes against them.”​—Marcia Lasswell, a professor of behavioral science

[Picture on page 237]

Many youths enter marriage little more prepared for it than these