Chapter 32

How Can I Carry On a Successful Courtship?

“MOST marriage failures are courtship failures. This point cannot too often be repeated.” So said Paul H. Landis, a researcher on the subject of family life. Louise can vouch for the accuracy of this statement. She explains: “My biggest mistake was getting attached affectionately to Andy before I allowed myself to see what he was like as a person. Our courtship had been pretty much limited to one-on-one settings. I never saw how he reacted outside these ‘ideal’ situations.” Their marriage was shattered by divorce. The key to avoiding such a tragedy? Carrying on a successful courtship!

Before Dating

“The prudent man [or woman] looks and considers well where he [or she] is going.” (Proverbs 14:15, The Amplified Bible) Developing romantic feelings for someone whom you hardly know invites disaster​—even if that one seems appealing. It can lead to a marriage with a person whose emotions and goals are miles apart from yours! It is therefore prudent first to observe that one in a group setting, perhaps while you are enjoying some form of recreation.

“I knew that if I got too close at first, my emotions would cloud my judgment,” explained Dave, now happily married for ten years. “So I viewed Rose from a distance without her knowing I was interested. I could see how she treated others, or whether she was a flirt. In casual talks, I found out her circumstances and goals.” It  also helps to find out what kind of reputation he or she has by talking with someone who knows the person well.​—Compare Proverbs 31:31.

The First Dates

Having decided that someone might be a suitable marriage mate for you, you could approach the person and express a desire to get to know that one better. * Assuming there is a positive response, your first date need not be some elaborate affair. Perhaps a lunch date or even being part of a group date will enable you to become better acquainted so as to decide whether you want to take the relationship any further. Keeping things somewhat informal helps ease some of the nervousness both might feel initially. And by avoiding premature expressions of commitment, you can minimize feelings of rejection​—or embarrassment—​if one of you loses interest.

Regardless of the type of date planned, show up on time, neatly and appropriately dressed. Display the skills of a good conversationalist. Be an active listener.  (James 1:19) Though there are no hard-and-fast rules in such matters, a young man will want to follow local rules of etiquette. These may include opening a door for the young lady or helping her into her seat. A young woman, while not expecting to be treated like a princess, should cooperate modestly with her date’s efforts. By treating each other with mutual respect, a couple can set a pattern for the future. A husband is commanded to ‘honor his wife as the weaker vessel.’ And a wife is to have “deep respect for her husband.”​—1 Peter 3:7; Ephesians 5:33.

Is holding hands, kissing, or embracing appropriate, and if so, when? Displays of affection, when performed as genuine expressions of endearment and not selfish passion, can be both clean and appropriate. The Bible book The Song of Solomon indicates that some fitting expressions of endearment had been exchanged between the Shulammite maiden and the shepherd boy she loved and would soon marry. (Song of Solomon 1:2; 2:6; 8:5) But as with that chaste pair, a couple would further take care that displays of affection do not become unclean or lead to sexual immorality. * (Galatians 5:19, 21) Logically, such expressions of endearment should be made only when the relationship has  reached a point where mutual commitment has developed and marriage seems imminent. By showing self-control, you can avoid being distracted from a primary aim of successful courtship, namely . . .

Getting to Know “the Secret Person of the Heart”

A research team reported in the May 1980 issue of the Journal of Marriage and the Family: “Marriages seem more likely to survive and prosper if people enter them with relatively full knowledge of one another’s inner selves.” Yes, getting to know “the secret person of the heart” of your partner is essential.​—1 Peter 3:4.

Yet, ‘drawing up’ the intentions of the heart of another takes effort and discernment. (Proverbs 20:5) So plan activities that are more likely to help you see your partner’s inner self. While going to a movie or a concert may suffice at the start, engaging in activities that better lend themselves to conversation (such as roller-skating, bowling, and visiting zoos, museums, and art galleries) can do more to help you become better acquainted.

To get a glimpse of your partner’s feelings, try using open-ended questions, such as, ‘How do you spend your free time?’ ‘If money were no object, what would you like to do?’ ‘What feature of our worship of God do you like the best? Why?’ These allow in-depth responses that help you learn what your partner treasures.

As the relationship deepens and the two of you more seriously consider marriage, there is need for serious  talk about important issues such as your values; where and how you will live; financial matters, including whether both will work outside the home; children; birth control; concepts of each one’s role in marriage; and both immediate and long-range goals and how you plan to achieve these. Many young Witnesses of Jehovah become full-time evangelizers after finishing school and desire to continue serving in that way after marriage. Now is the time for the two of you to make sure your spiritual goals are compatible. It is also a time to reveal things, perhaps in your past, that may affect the marriage. These might include any major debts or obligations. Health matters, such as any serious disease, and their consequences should also be frankly discussed.

In such discussions, follow the example of Elihu, who said: “I talk straight from my heart and speak sincerely.” (Job 33:3, The Holy Bible in the Language of Today, by William Beck) In explaining how her courtship prepared her for what proved to be a happy marriage, Esther said: “I never tried to ‘put on’ or say I agreed with Jaye when I felt differently. I still don’t. I try always to be honest.”

Do not evade or gloss over sensitive subjects out of fear of putting your partner on the spot. Beth made this mistake during her courtship with John. Beth said she believed in saving for the future and not wasting money. John said he agreed. Beth probed no further, imagining they saw eye to eye on matters of finance. But it turned out that John’s idea of saving for the future meant saving for a new sports car! After marriage their lack of agreement on how to spend money became painfully evident.

Such misunderstandings can be prevented. Louise, mentioned previously, says in retrospect of her courtship: “I should have asked a lot more questions, such as,  ‘What if I got pregnant and you didn’t want to have a baby, what would you do?’ Or, ‘If we were in debt and I wanted to stay home and care for our child, how would you handle matters?’ I would have carefully noted his reaction.” Such discussions can bring to the surface qualities of the heart that should best be seen before marriage.

See Him or Her in Action!

“A person can be very nice with you on a one-to-one basis,” explained Esther. “But when others are around, they are often put into an unexpected situation. One of your friends might say something to your partner that he might not like. Now you get to see how he reacts under pressure. Will he tell the person off or be sarcastic?” She concludes: “Being around each other’s friends and family during our courtship helped tremendously.”

In addition to recreation, spend time working together. Share in Christian works, including the study of God’s Word and the Christian ministry. Also, take on some of the daily chores that after marriage will become a way of life​—shopping for food, preparing a meal, washing dishes, and housecleaning. By being together under real-life circumstances​—when your partner may even be at his or her worst—​you can see behind any display-window mask.

The shepherd boy of The Song of Solomon saw how  the girl he loved acted when she was disappointed or while she was laboring under the scorching sun​—sweaty and tired. (Song of Solomon 1:5, 6; 2:15) After also beholding how she loyally resisted the enticements of rich King Solomon, he exclaimed: “You are altogether beautiful, O girl companion of mine, and there is no defect in you.” (Song of Solomon 4:7) Surely he did not mean that she was perfect, but that she had no basic moral defect or blemish. Her physical beauty was enhanced by her moral strength, which outweighed any weaknesses on her part.​—Compare Job 31:7.

To make a similar assessment takes time. So avoid a hasty courtship. (Proverbs 21:5) Usually a man and woman will go all out to win each other’s love. But if given enough time, unpleasant habits and tendencies have a way of revealing themselves. A couple who not only take time but also make the best use of it during courtship will likely find an easier adjustment after marriage. With eyes wide open, they can enter marriage confident of being able to work out disagreements that will arise. Successful courtship has prepared them for a successful and happy marriage.

[Footnotes]

Questions for Discussion

□ What is a primary aim of courtship, and how important is it to marital happiness?

□ What will help you get to know another’s ‘inner self’?

□ What kind of conversations contribute to a successful courtship?

□ Why is spending time together under a variety of circumstances helpful?

□ What are some indicators that a relationship is faulty?

□ When should a courtship be called off?

[Blurb on page 255]

“Marriages seem more likely to survive and prosper if people enter them with relatively full knowledge of one another’s inner selves.”​—Journal of Marriage and the Family

 [Box/​Picture on page 256, 257]

Should We Break Up?

As a romance approaches the crossroads of decision, it is not unusual for doubts to arise. What if such doubts stem from serious flaws in the person you are dating or from flaws in the relationship itself?

For example, it is true that even people who love each other can disagree at times. (Compare Genesis 30:2; Acts 15:39.) But if you disagree on just about everything, if every discussion turns into a shouting match, or if your relationship is a never-ending cycle of breakups and makeups, beware! A poll of 400 physicians revealed that constant bickering is a strong indicator of “emotional unreadiness for marriage,” perhaps even revealing “irreconcilable conflict between the couple.”

Another cause for concern may be your discovery of disturbing personality flaws in a prospective mate. A display of a violent temper or even hints of selfishness, immaturity, moodiness, or stubbornness may make you wonder if you want to spend the rest of your life with this person. Yet many overlook or try to justify such shortcomings and seem determined to make the relationship work at all costs. Why is this?

Since courtship is taken seriously among true Christians​—as well it should be—​some feel pressured to marry the person they are dating. They may also dread having to confront and perhaps hurt this person. Others may simply fear that they will not be able to find someone else to marry. Nevertheless, these are not good reasons for prolonging a problem-plagued courtship.

The purpose of courtship is to investigate the possibility of marriage. And if a Christian starts a courtship in good faith, he or she has no obligation to continue it if it proves faulty. Besides, would it not be wrong and selfish to prolong a deteriorating relationship on the premise, ‘maybe I won’t find someone  else?’ (Compare Philippians 2:4.) It is thus important that you face​—not evade—​your problems as a couple. Begin by taking a hard look at the person you are dating.

For example, is there evidence that this is a woman who will be a submissive, capable wife? (Proverbs 31:10-31) Is there evidence this is a man who will show self-sacrificing love and be an able provider? (Ephesians 5:28, 29; 1 Timothy 5:8) A person may claim to be a zealous servant of God, but are there works to back up such a claim of faith?​—James 2:17, 18.

Of course, if you have invested much time and emotion in developing a relationship, do not be quick to call it off just because you have discovered that he or she is not perfect. (James 3:2) Perhaps the person’s flaws are ones you can live with.

What if they are not? Talk matters over. Do you have fundamental differences in goals or viewpoints? Or have there simply been misunderstandings? Could it be a case of both of you needing to learn how to ‘restrain your spirit’ and settle matters more calmly? (Proverbs 25:28) If irritating personality quirks concern you, does he or she humbly admit the shortcomings and show a desire to improve? Is there a need on your part to be less sensitive, less touchy? (Ecclesiastes 7:9) ‘Putting up with each other in love’ is the lifeblood of a good marriage.​—Ephesians 4:2.

Far from destroying your relationship, talking matters out may well reveal the potential it has for future growth! But if the discussion simply results in another frustrating standoff, do not ignore clear signs of impending disaster. (Proverbs 22:3) Things are not likely to improve after marriage. Calling the courtship off may be in the best interests of both of you.

[Picture on page 253]

Observing each other in a group can allow you to become acquainted without romantic involvement

[Picture on page 254]

Obeying local rules of etiquette and good manners sets a pattern of mutual respect that can carry over into marriage

[Picture on page 259]

When it becomes apparent that a courtship is not working out, the kind thing to do is to have a face-to-face discussion, explaining why the relationship must end