Chapter 24

How Can I Say No to Premarital Sex?

A NATIONWIDE survey by ’Teen magazine revealed that many of its young readers wanted information on the following question: “How to say no to sexual pressure.”

At Psalm 119:9, the psalmist posed a similar question: “How will a young man [or woman] cleanse his path?” The answer: “By keeping on guard according to your [God’s] word.” But more is needed than head knowledge. “You know in your mind what the Bible says about immoral sex,” confessed one young woman. “But your heart keeps pushing these reasons into the back of your mind.” Appropriately, the psalmist continued: “In my heart I have treasured up your saying, in order that I may not sin against you.”​—Psalm 119:11.

Safeguard the Heart

To treasure God’s sayings in your heart requires first that you read and study the Scriptures and Bible-based literature. This can help convince you of the value of God’s laws. On the other hand, reading, listening to, or viewing sexually stimulating material whips up the “sexual appetite.” (Colossians 3:5) So strictly avoid such material! Ponder instead on things that are chaste and clean.

Research has further shown that one’s close friends can have a great influence on whether one stays chaste. Said the psalmist: “A partner I am of all those who do fear you [God], and of those keeping your orders.”​—Psalm 119:63.

 Are your friends those who are really striving to ‘keep God’s orders’? A young woman named Joanna makes this observation regarding choice of friends: “If you are around people who love Jehovah, you find that, as you talk about morals, you start to feel the same way they do. For instance, if you hear them say that immorality is disgusting, you begin to feel likewise. On the other hand, if you’re with someone that doesn’t care, pretty soon you’ll become just like him.”​—Proverbs 13:20.

It is dating and courtship, however, that often present the greatest challenge to remaining chaste. Consider a nationwide study by Robert Sorensen. He found that 56 percent of the young men and 82 percent of the women surveyed who had experienced sexual relations did so for the first time with someone with whom they were going steady​—or at least knew well and liked a lot. What, then, if you are old enough to pursue marriage and are dating someone? How can you get better acquainted with that person and still keep chaste?

Avoiding Pitfalls When Courting

The Bible warns: “The heart is trickier than anything and in a desperate state; who understands it?” (Jeremiah 17:9, Byington) One may feel a perfectly normal attraction toward someone of the opposite sex. But the more you’re around each other, the greater the attraction. And this normal desire can lead your heart astray. “Out of the heart come wicked reasonings, . . . fornications,” said Jesus Christ.​—Matthew 15:19.

Often a young couple do not plan to have sexual intercourse. * In most cases, this occurred because a  couple engaged in petting, or stimulating touching, of intimate body parts. Confessed one unwed mother: “To me and to most of the kids I know, it just kind of went a little bit further each time, and finally you aren’t a virgin anymore. You start out to do a little petting, and before you realize what is happening, you can’t stop.”

To avoid falling into sexual immorality yourself, you must lead your heart, rather than let it lead you. (Proverbs 23:19) How can you do this?

Set limits: A young man may feel that his girlfriend expects him to initiate kissing and petting, when in reality she may not. “By presumptuousness one only causes a struggle, but with those consulting together there is wisdom.” (Proverbs 13:10) So if you are dating, let the other person know how you feel about the matter by “consulting together.” Wisely set limits on expressions of affection. At the same time, don’t give out mixed signals. Wearing tight, revealing, sexy clothes can give your partner the wrong message.

Avoid tempting situations: The Bible tells about a young virgin who was invited by her boyfriend to hike with him to a secluded spot in the mountains. His motive? So they could enjoy the beauties of early spring. However, the girl’s brothers found out about the planned excursion and indignantly put a stop to it. Was it because they felt she was immorally inclined? Not at all! But they well knew the power of temptation under such circumstances. (Song of Solomon 1:6; 2:8-15) Likewise, you should avoid circumstances that could lead to temptation, such as being alone in a house, an apartment, or a parked automobile with someone you are dating.

 Know your limitations: There are times when you may be more vulnerable to sexual enticements than at other times. For example, you may be discouraged because of some personal failure or a disagreement with your parents. Whatever the case, during such times you will have to be especially cautious. (Proverbs 24:10) Also, be careful about the use of alcoholic beverages. Under the influence of these, you can lose your inhibitions. “Wine and sweet wine are what take away good motive.”​—Hosea 4:11.

Say no and mean it: What can a couple do when emotions escalate and they find themselves becoming dangerously intimate? One of them has to say or do something that breaks the mood. Debra found herself alone with her date, who stopped the car in a lonely place to “talk.” When the emotions began to escalate, Debra said to her date: “Isn’t this necking? Shouldn’t we stop?” That broke the mood. He immediately drove her home. To say no under these circumstances may be the hardest thing you have ever had to do. But as one 20-year-old woman who gave in to having sexual relations said: “If you don’t walk away, you’ll be sorry!”

Have a chaperon: Though viewed as old-fashioned by some, having a chaperon to accompany you on a date  is still a good idea. “It looks as if we can’t be trusted,” complain some couples. Perhaps. But is it wise to trust oneself? Proverbs 28:26 bluntly states: “He that is trusting in his own heart is stupid, but he that is walking in wisdom is the one that will escape.” Walk wisely by having someone else join you on a date. “I really respect the fellow who brings his own chaperon. I know he is as interested as I am in being chaste,” revealed Debra. “It works no hardship, for when we want to say something privately, we just step out of earshot of others. The protection it affords is worth any inconvenience.”

Friendship With God

Above all, developing a close friendship with God, knowing him as a real person with feelings, will help you avoid conduct that offends him. Pouring out your heart to him about specific problems draws you close to him. Many couples wishing to remain chaste have even prayed together to God during emotionally charged situations, asking that he give them the needed strength.

Jehovah generously responds by giving such ones “power beyond what is normal.” (2 Corinthians 4:7) You, of course, have to do your part. Yet, be assured that with God’s help and blessing, it is possible to say no to sexual immorality.

[Footnotes]

Questions for Discussion

□ What are some things you can do that will help you to treasure Jehovah’s laws regarding sex?

□ How can your friends affect your view of premarital sex?

□ Why do you feel caution is necessary when dating?

□ What are some things a courting couple can do to protect themselves from falling into sexual immorality?

[Blurb on page 193]

“You start out to do a little petting . . . ”

[Blurb on page 194]

When courting, avoid immorality by not isolating yourselves

 [Box/​Pictures on page 195]

Staying Chaste While Dating

Avoid situations that could lead to necking and petting

Date in groups or have a chaperon

Keep the conversation on an upbuilding level

From the start, let your partner know your attitude regarding limits on expressions of affection

Dress modestly and avoid provocative actions

Ask to be taken home if you feel your chastity is in jeopardy

Refrain from long “good-nights”

Keep an early curfew

[Pictures]

Courting couples can pursue activities that do not isolate them from other people

[Picture on page 196]

If a situation becomes too “heated,” have the sense to say No!​—and mean it!