Chapter 3

How Can I Get My Folks to Give Me More Freedom?

YOU say you’re old enough to stay out late on weekends. They say you have to be home early. You say you want to see that new movie everybody is talking about. They say you can’t see it. You say you’ve met some nice kids you’d like to go out with. They say they’d like to meet your friends first.

When you’re a teenager, it can sometimes feel as if your parents have a choke hold on your life. It seems that every “I want to” you say is followed by an inevitable “No, you can’t.” Nor is any part of your life safe from the “prying eyes” of your parents. Says 15-year-old Debbie: “My dad always wants to know where I am, what time I’m going to be home. Most parents do that. Do they have to know everything? They should give me more freedom.”

Youths further complain that their parents do not respect them. Instead of being trusted, they are judged guilty without a trial when something goes wrong. Instead of being allowed to choose for themselves, they are hemmed in by rules.

“Mental Distress”

Do your folks sometimes treat you like a small child? If so, remember that not too long ago you really were a child. Your parents’ image of you as a helpless infant is  quite fresh in their minds and not so easily set aside. They still remember the childish mistakes you used to make and thus want to protect you​—whether you want such protection or not.

That urge to protect you is a powerfully strong one. When Mom and Dad aren’t busy putting a roof over your head, clothing you, or feeding you, they are often grappling with the problems of how to teach, train, and, yes, protect you. Their interest in you is far from casual. They are responsible before God for the way in which they bring you up. (Ephesians 6:4) And when something seems to threaten your well-being, they worry.

Consider Jesus Christ’s parents. After a visit to Jerusalem, they unknowingly left for home without him. When they became aware of his absence, they made a diligent​—even frantic—​search for him! And when they finally “found him in the temple,” Jesus’ mother exclaimed,  “Child, why did you treat us this way? Here your father and I in mental distress have been looking for you.” (Luke 2:41-48) Now if Jesus​—a perfect child—​caused his parents anxiety, think of how much worry you must cause your parents!

Take, for example, that never-ending conflict over what time you should come home. Perhaps you see no reason to be restricted in this way. But have you ever looked at matters from your parents’ point of view? The school-age authors of the book The Kids’ Book About Parents tried to do so. They compiled a list of what they called “the fantasies that must go on in parents’ heads about what their kids are doing if they are not home at the proper time.” Included in this list were such things as ‘doing drugs, getting in a car accident, hanging out in parks, getting arrested, going to porno movies, selling dope, getting raped or mugged, winding up in jail, and disgracing the family name.’

Not all parents would jump to such seemingly farfetched conclusions. But is it not true that many young people are involved in such things? So should you resent the suggestion that keeping both late hours and the wrong kind of company could be harmful? Why even Jesus’ parents wanted to know his whereabouts!

Why They Smother

Some youths say that their parents’ fear of harm coming to them borders on paranoia! But remember, much time and emotion have been invested in you. The thought of your growing up and eventually leaving may disturb your parents. Wrote one parent: “My only child, a son, is nineteen now, and I can hardly bear the idea of his moving out.”

Some parents thus tend to smother or to overprotect their children. It would be a real mistake, though,  for you to overreact in turn. One young woman recalls: “Until I reached the age of about 18, my mother and I were very close. . . . [But] as I got older we started to have problems. I wanted to exert some independence, which she must have seen as a threat to our relationship. She, in turn, started to try to hold on to me tighter, and I reacted by pulling away more.”

A measure of independence is fine, but don’t obtain it at the cost of your family ties. How can you set your relationship with your parents on a more adult footing, based on mutual understanding, tolerance, and respect? For one thing, respect begets respect. The apostle Paul once recalled: “We used to have fathers who were of our flesh to discipline us, and we used to give them respect.” (Hebrews 12:9) The parents of these early Christians were not infallible. Paul continued (Heb 12 verse 10): “Our human fathers . . . could only do what they thought best.”​—The Jerusalem Bible.

At times these men erred in their judgment. Yet they merited their children’s respect. So do your parents. The fact that they may be the smothering type is no reason to be rebellious. Give them the same respect you want for yourself.

Misunderstandings

Have you ever been late getting home because of circumstances beyond your control? Did your parents overreact? Such misunderstandings provide another opportunity for you to win respect. Recall how young Jesus handled himself when his upset parents finally  found him in the temple, innocently discussing God’s Word with some teachers. Did Jesus launch into an emotional tirade, cry, or whine about how unfair it was of them to impugn his motives? Note his calm reply: “Why did you have to go looking for me? Did you not know that I must be in the house of my Father?” (Luke 2:49) No doubt Jesus’ parents were impressed by the maturity he here displayed. “An answer, when mild,” thus not only “turns away rage” but can also help win your parents’ respect.​—Proverbs 15:1.

Rules and Regulations

How you respond to your parents’ demands also has a lot to do with how you will be treated. Some youths sulk, lie, or openly disobey. Try a more adult approach. If you want permission to stay out late, don’t make childish demands or whine that “all the other kids can stay out late.” Writer Andrea Eagan advises: “[Tell] them as much as you can about what it is you want to do, so that they really understand the situation. . . . If  you tell them all about where you’ll be and with whom and why it’s important to you to stay out later . . . , they just might say yes.”

Or if your parents want to screen your friends​—as well they should—​don’t whimper like a child. Recommended Seventeen magazine: “Bring friends home with you from time to time, so that when you say you’re going to the movies with Bill, your father has no reason to roar from the other room, ‘Bill? Bill who?’”

“More Will Be Given”

Jim smiles when he talks about his younger brother Ron. “There’s only 11 months difference between us,” he says, “but our parents treated us so differently. They gave me a lot of freedom. I had the use of the family car. One year they even allowed me to take one younger brother on a trip to New York City.

“It was different with Ron, though,” Jim continues. “He wasn’t given much freedom at all. Dad didn’t even bother teaching him how to drive when he came of age. And when he felt he was old enough to start dating, my folks wouldn’t let him.”

Favoritism? No. Explains Jim: “Ron tended to be irresponsible. He lacked initiative. He often failed to do what was assigned him. And although I never talked back to my parents, Ron would let them know he disagreed. This invariably backfired on him.” Jesus said at Matthew 25:29: “For to everyone that has, more will be given and he will have abundance; but as for him that does not have, even what he has will be taken away from him.”

Do you want more freedom and responsibility? Then prove yourself responsible. Take seriously whatever tasks your folks assign you. Don’t be like the youth  in one of Jesus’ parables. After being told by his father, “Child, go work today in the vineyard,” he said, “I will, sir,” but he “did not go out.” (Matthew 21:28, 29) Convince your parents that if they ask you to do something, no matter how small, it is as good as done.

“I showed my folks I could handle responsibility,” Jim recalls. “They would send me to the bank, let me pay our utilities bills, go to the supermarket and shop. And when Mom had to go out and get a job, I even cooked the family meals.”

Taking the Initiative

What if your parents simply haven’t assigned you such tasks to do? Pursue various initiatives. Seventeen magazine suggested: “Offer to cook your family a meal, and tell your folks you want to do everything: plan the meal, make the grocery list, budget, shop, cook, clean up.” And if cooking is not your forte, look around and see what else can be cared for. You don’t need a specific decree from your parents to act when there are dishes to be washed, floors to be swept, or rooms to be straightened up.

Many youths take on part-time work during the summer or on weekends. If this is true in your case, have you proved that you are capable of saving and managing your money? Have you volunteered to make a contribution for your room and board? (You might find it eye-opening to check the going rate for renting a room in your community.) Doing so might mean less pocket money, but as your folks observe your grown-up way of handling money, they will no doubt be inclined to give you more freedom.

Loosening the Apron Strings

Parents should be our confidential friends, rich sources of advice and counsel. (Compare Jeremiah 3:4.)  However, this does not mean that you must rely on them to make every petty decision. It is only through using your “perceptive powers” that you gain confidence in your ability to make decisions.​—Hebrews 5:14.

So instead of running to your parents at the first sign of minor distress, try first to work out the problem in your own mind. Rather than be “overhasty,” or impulsive, about matters, follow the Bible’s advice to “consider knowledge” first. (Isaiah 32:4) Do some research, especially if Bible principles are involved. After calmly weighing matters, then approach your parents. Instead of always saying, ‘Dad, what should I do?’ or, ‘Mom, what would you do?’ explain the situation. Let them hear the way you have reasoned the situation out. Then ask for their observations.

Your parents now see you talking not as a child but as an adult. You have taken a big step toward proving that you are becoming an adult deserving of a measure of freedom. Your folks may very well begin to treat you like an adult.

Questions for Discussion

□ Why are parents often so concerned about protecting their children and knowing their whereabouts?

□ Why is it important that you treat your parents with respect?

□ How can misunderstandings with your parents be best handled?

□ How can you cooperate with your parents’ rules and regulations and still have some freedom?

□ What are some ways you can prove to your parents that you are responsible?

[Blurb on page 29]

“My dad always wants to know where I am, what time I’m going to be home. . . . Do they have to know everything?”

[Picture on page 27]

Do you feel that your parents fence you in?

[Picture on page 30]

Remaining calm when misunderstandings have occurred is one way to gain respect