Chapter 7

Should I Leave Home?

“Mom & Dad:

“Well I’m finally leaving. As I’ve said before, I’m not doing this to spite you or get back at you in any way. I cannot be happy being confined like you want me to be. Maybe I won’t be happy this way either, but I’d just like to find out.”

THUS began a 17-year-old girl’s farewell letter to her parents. In the Federal Republic of Germany, for example, every third girl and every fourth boy between the ages of 15 and 24 now lives away from home. Perhaps you have thought about leaving home yourself.

God foresaw that the desire to marry would cause a person to “leave his father and his mother.” (Genesis 2:23, 24) And there are other valid reasons for leaving, such as expanding one’s service to God. (Mark 10:29, 30) For many youths, however, leaving home is simply a way of getting out of what they feel is an intolerable situation. Says one young man: “It’s simply that you want to be more independent. Living at home with your parents is no longer satisfying. You are always getting into arguments, and they do not understand your needs. Besides, you feel so restricted, always having to answer to your parents for your every move.”

Ready for Independence?

But does the fact that you desire independence mean that you are ready for it? For one thing, making it on your own may not be as easy as you think. Jobs are often scarce. Rents have skyrocketed. And what are youths caught in an economic bind often forced to do? Say the authors of Pulling Up Roots: “They return home  and expect parents to reassume the burden of their support.”

And what about your mental, emotional, and spiritual maturity? You may fancy yourself to be a grown-up, but your parents may still see in you some of “the traits of a babe.” (1 Corinthians 13:11) And really, are not your parents in the best position to judge how much freedom you are ready to handle? To go against their judgment and set out on your own could invite disaster!​—Proverbs 1:8.

‘I Don’t Get Along With My Folks!’

Is this true in your case? Even so, this is no reason to start packing your bags. As a youth, you still need your parents and will likely benefit from their insight and wisdom for years to come. (Proverbs 23:22) Should you cut them out of your life just because you have run into a few snags in dealing with them?

A young German named Karsten who left home to pursue a career as a full-time minister puts it this way: “Never leave home just because you can’t get along with your parents. If you can’t get along with them, how will you ever be able to get along with other people? Moving out will not solve your problem. To the contrary, it will only prove you are too immature to stand on your own feet and will lead to greater estrangement from your parents.”

Morals and Motives

Youths also tend to overlook the moral dangers involved in leaving home prematurely. In Luke 15:11-32,  Jesus tells of a young man who wanted to be independent and set out on his own. No longer under the good influence of his parents, he began “living a debauched life,” succumbing to sexual immorality. Soon he had squandered his finances. Employment was so hard to come by that he even took a job that Jews despised​—herding pigs. The so-called prodigal, or wasteful, son came to his senses, however. Swallowing his pride, he returned home and begged his father for forgiveness.

Although this parable was told to highlight God’s mercy, it also contains this practical lesson: Leaving home with an unwise motive can harm you morally and spiritually! Sad to say, some Christian youths embarking on an independent course have suffered spiritual ruin. Unable to stay afloat financially, some have resorted to sharing expenses with other youths whose life-style conflicts with Bible principles.​—1 Corinthians 15:33.

A German youth named Horst recalls a youth his own age who left home: “Although not married, he began living with his girl friend. They had parties where liquor flowed freely, and he often ended up getting drunk. Had he still been living at home, his parents would have allowed none of this.” Horst concluded: “It’s true, once you leave home you have more freedom. But to be completely honest, is it not oftentimes used as an opportunity to do bad things?”

So if you yearn for more freedom, ask yourself: Just why do I want greater freedom? Is it so that I can have material possessions or leeway to act in ways my parents would forbid if I lived at home? Remember what the Bible says at Jeremiah 17:9: “The heart is more treacherous than anything else and is desperate. Who can know it?”

 How Can I Grow Up if I Don’t Move Out?

The book Adolescence observes: “Simply moving out of the family home does not guarantee a successful transition [to adulthood]. Nor does staying at home imply the failure to grow up.” Indeed, growing up means more than having one’s own money, job, and apartment. For one thing, life is mastered by facing problems squarely. Nothing is gained by running away from situations that are not to our liking. “Good it is for an able-bodied man that he should carry the yoke during his youth,” says Lamentations 3:27.

Take, for example, parents who are hard to get along with or are very strict. Mac, now 47 years old, had a father who saddled him with afterschool chores. During summer vacation, while other youths played, Mac had to work. “I thought he was the meanest man alive for keeping us from playing and enjoying ourselves,”  says Mac. “Often I thought, ‘If only I could get away from here and have my own place!’” Mac, however, now has a different perspective on the matter: “What Dad did for me was priceless. He taught me how to do hard work and endure hardship. Since then I’ve had far more serious problems to face, but I know how to face them head on.”

A Fool’s Paradise

Simply living at home, however, does not guarantee your maturing. Says one youth: “Living at home with my folks was like living in a fool’s paradise. They did everything for me.” Part of growing up is learning how to do things for yourself. Granted, taking out the garbage or doing the laundry is not as much fun as playing your favorite records. But what can result if you never learn how to do these things? You can become a helpless adult, thoroughly dependent upon your parents or others.

Are you (whether a young man or a young woman) preparing for eventual independence by learning how to cook, clean, iron, or make household or automotive repairs?

Economic Independence

Youths in affluent lands often view money as easy to come by and even easier to spend. If they have a part-time job, they are often prone to spend their cash on stereos and designer clothes. What a rude awakening such youths are in for, though, when they move out on their own! Recalls Horst (previously mentioned): “By the end of the month [out on my own] both my wallet and my cupboard were empty.”

Why not learn how to handle money while you are living at home? Your parents have had years of experience  doing this and can help you avoid many pitfalls. The book Pulling Up Roots suggests asking them such questions as: ‘How much does it cost each month for electricity? Heat? Water? Telephone? What kind of taxes do we pay? What rent do we pay?’ You may be shocked to learn that working youths often have more pocket money than their parents have! So if you have a job, offer to make a reasonable contribution to the upkeep of the household.

Learn Before You Leave

No, you do not need to leave home to grow up. But you must work hard while there to develop good judgment and levelheadedness. Learn, too, how to get along with others. Prove that you can take criticism, failure, or disappointment. Cultivate ‘kindness, goodness, mildness, and self-control.’ (Galatians 5:22, 23) These traits are the true marks of a grown Christian man or woman.

Sooner or later, circumstances, such as marriage, may well propel you out of the nest of your parents’ home. But until then, why be in a big hurry to leave? Talk it over with your folks. They may be happy to have you stay, especially if you make a real contribution to the welfare of the family. With their help, you can continue growing, learning, and maturing right there at home.

Questions for Discussion

□ Why are many youths anxious to leave home?

□ Why are most youths unready for such a move?

□ What are some of the dangers in leaving home prematurely?

□ What are some of the problems faced by runaways?

□ How is it possible for you to mature while still living at home?

[Blurb on page 57]

“Never leave home just because you can’t get along with your parents . . . how will you ever be able to get along with other people?”

 [Box on page 60, 61]

Is Running Away the Answer?

Over a million teenagers run away from home each year. Some are running from intolerable situations​—such as physical or sexual abuse. But more often than not, running away is sparked by arguments with parents over such matters as curfews, school grades, household chores, and choice of friends.

Perhaps your parents’ outlook and thinking on matters simply does not coincide with yours. But have you considered the fact that your parents are obligated before God to bring you up “in the discipline and mental-regulating of Jehovah”? (Ephesians 6:4) So they may insist that you accompany them to religious meetings and activities or even restrict your association with other youths. (1 Corinthians 15:33) Is that any reason to rebel or run away? You too have an obligation before God: “Honor your father and your mother.”​—Ephesians 6:1-3.

Besides, running away solves nothing. “Running away only creates more problems for you,” reflects Amy, who ran away at age 14. Says Margaret O. Hyde in her book My Friend Wants to Run Away: “A few runaways actually get jobs and make it on their own. But, for most of them, life is worse than it was before they left home.” And notes ’Teen magazine: “Teens don’t find freedom on the streets. Instead, they find other runaways or throwaways​—like themselves—​living in abandoned buildings, where they have no protection from rapists or muggers. They also find a lot of people who make it their dirty business to exploit young people, and teenage runaways are an easy target.”

As a runaway, Amy was “befriended” by a 22-year-old male, who made her pay for her stay “by having sex with him and nine of his friends.” She also “got drunk and took lots of drugs.” Another girl, named Sandi, suffered molestation by her foster grandfather and ran away. She  became a prostitute living on the streets and sleeping on park benches or wherever she could. They are typical of many runaways.

Most runaways have few salable skills. Neither do they usually have any of the necessary paperwork to get hired: birth certificate, Social Security card, permanent address. “I’ve had to steal, to panhandle,” says Luis, “but mainly steal because nobody gives you nothing out there.” Some 60 percent of the runaways are girls, many of whom support themselves by prostitution. Pornographers, drug dealers, and pimps frequent the bus stations looking for runaways to exploit. They may offer scared youths a place to sleep and food to eat. They may even give them what they lacked at home​—a feeling that they are loved.

In time, though, such “benefactors” demand payment. And that could mean working for them as a prostitute, engaging in sexual perversions, or posing for pornographic pictures. Little wonder that many runaways end up seriously injured​—or dead!

It thus makes sense to put forth every effort​—and that means more than once—​to talk with your parents. Let them know how you feel and what is going on. (See Chapters 2 and 3.) In cases of physical or sexual abuse, outside help may be needed.

Whatever the case, talk, don’t run away. Even if life at home is not ideal, keep in mind that things can be even worse when you are on the run.

[Pictures on page 59]

The domestic skills needed to live on one’s own can be learned at home