I Lost My Unborn Baby

MONDAY, April 10, 2000, was a warm and sunny day, so I set out to do some errands. I was just entering the second trimester of pregnancy, and although I did not feel very energetic, I was happy to be outdoors. Then, while waiting in the checkout line at a grocery store, I had the feeling that something was wrong with me.

My fears were confirmed when I got home. I was bleeding​—something that had not happened during my two previous pregnancies—​and it terrified me! I called my doctor, but he suggested that I wait and come in the next day, since I had an appointment then anyway. Before my husband and I put our two children to bed that night, we prayed together, asking Jehovah to give us strength in whatever way we might need it. Eventually, I fell asleep.

But about two o’clock, I woke up in intense pain. Gradually the pain subsided, but just as I was falling asleep again, it recurred, this time coming in regular waves. The bleeding also increased, and I realized that I was having contractions. My mind raced, trying to figure out if I had done something to cause this to happen, but I could not think of anything I had done wrong.

By five o’clock in the morning, I knew that I had to get to the hospital. When my husband and I arrived, we were relieved to find ourselves in the hands of very kind, helpful, and empathetic emergency-room staff. Then, two hours later, the doctor gave us the news we dreaded: I had lost my baby.

Because of the earlier symptoms, I was prepared for this outcome and took the news reasonably well. Additionally, my husband was at my side the whole time and proved to be very supportive. But now that we would be going home without a baby, we wondered what we would tell our two children, Kaitlyn, who was six years old, and David, who was four.

What Do We Tell Our Children?

The children had gone to bed aware that something was wrong, but how would we tell them that their future little brother or sister had died? We decided to be open and honest. My mother helped us to that end by telling the children that the baby would not be coming home with us. When we arrived, they ran to meet us and gave us big hugs and kisses. Their first question was, “Is the baby OK?” I couldn’t answer, but my husband, holding us in a tight circle, said: “The baby has died.” We held one another and cried, which helped our healing to begin.

We were not quite prepared, though, for our children’s later reactions. For instance, about two weeks after my miscarriage, it was announced  at the local congregation of Jehovah’s Witnesses that an elderly Witness and close friend of our family had passed away. David, the four-year-old, sobbed uncontrollably, so my husband carried him outside. After calming down, David asked why his friend had died. Then he asked why the baby had died. Next, he said to his father: “Are you going to die?” He also wanted to know why Jehovah God had not yet destroyed Satan and started to “fix things up.” Indeed, we were surprised to see how much was going through his young mind.

Kaitlyn also asked many questions. When playing with her dolls, she often pretended that one doll was sick, while the other dolls became nurses or family members. She set up a cardboard box as a doll hospital and occasionally pretended that one of her dolls had died. Our children’s questions and games gave us many opportunities to teach them important lessons about life and how the Bible can help us to cope with trials. We also reminded them of God’s purpose to make the earth a beautiful paradise, free from all forms of suffering and pain​—even death.​—Revelation 21:3, 4.

How I Coped With the Loss

When I first returned home from the hospital, I felt emotionally numb and disoriented. All around me were things that needed to be done, but I did not know where to start. I called a couple of friends who had been through the same experience, and they were very comforting. One dear friend sent us flowers and offered to take the children for the afternoon. I appreciated her warm concern and practical help so much!

I sorted out family photos into albums. I looked at and held the unworn baby clothes​—the only tangible reminders of the baby I had lost. For weeks I was on an emotional roller coaster. Some days I could not stop crying​—even with all the support I had from family and friends. At times, I thought I was losing my mind. Being around friends who were pregnant was particularly difficult. Previously, I had imagined a miscarriage to be a mere “blip” in a woman’s life, something we got over without too many problems. How wrong I was! *

 Love​—The Best Cure

Along with the passing of time, an effective cure was the love shown by my husband and by fellow Christians. One Witness made dinner and brought it over. A congregation elder and his wife brought flowers and a loving card, and they stayed for the evening. We knew how busy they were, so their thoughtfulness touched our hearts. Many other friends sent cards or flowers. The simple words “We’re thinking of you” meant so much! One member of the congregation wrote: “We view life as Jehovah does​—as something most precious. If he knows when a sparrow falls to the ground, he surely knows when a human fetus falls.” My cousin wrote: “We are so amazed at the miracle of birth and life, and we are equally surprised when it doesn’t work out.”

While at the Kingdom Hall a few weeks later, I felt weepy and had to leave just before the meeting began. Two dear friends who noticed my tearful exit sat with me in the car, held my hand, and made me laugh. Soon all three of us went back inside. What a joy to have friends that stick “closer than a brother”!​—Proverbs 18:24.

As the news spread, I was surprised to learn how many fellow Witnesses had been through the same experience. Even some whom I had not been so close to previously were able to offer special consolation and encouragement. Their loving support in my hour of need reminded me of the Biblical saying: “A true companion is loving all the time, and is a brother that is born for when there is distress.”​—Proverbs 17:17.

Comfort From God’s Word

The Memorial of Christ’s death came the week after my miscarriage. One evening as we were reading the Bible accounts about Jesus’ last days, it suddenly occurred to me: ‘Jehovah knows the pain of loss. He lost his own son!’ Because Jehovah is our heavenly Father, I sometimes forget how understanding he is and how much empathy he has for his servants​—male and female. In that instant I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. I felt closer to Jehovah than ever before.

I also derived much encouragement from Bible-based publications, particularly past issues of the Watchtower and Awake! magazines that dealt with the loss of a loved one. For example, the articles on “Facing the Loss of a Child” in the August 8, 1987, issue of Awake! were very helpful, as was the brochure When Someone You Love Dies. *

An End to Grief

As time went by, I knew that I was healing when I could laugh without feeling guilty and when I could have a conversation without it coming back around to the baby I had lost. Even so, I bumped into emotional land mines on occasion, such as when I saw friends who had not heard about the miscarriage or when a family with a new baby visited our Kingdom Hall.

Then one morning I woke up feeling that the clouds had at last lifted. Even before I opened my eyes, I had a sense of healing​—a peace and calm that I had not felt for months. Still, when I found myself pregnant about a year after I lost the baby, thoughts about the possibility of another miscarriage surfaced. Happily, I gave birth to a healthy baby boy in October 2001.

I still grieve for the baby I lost. Yet, the whole episode has increased my appreciation for life, for my family, for fellow Christians, and for God​—who comforts us. The experience has also underscored the poignant truth that God does not take our children but that “time and unforeseen occurrence befall [us] all.”​—Ecclesiastes 9:11.

How I look forward to the time when God will eliminate all mourning, outcry, and pain, including the physical and emotional pain of miscarriage! (Isaiah 65:17-23) Then all obedient humans will be able to say: “Death, where is your victory? Death, where is your sting?”​—1 Corinthians 15:55; Isaiah 25:8.​—Contributed.

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[Box on page 21]

Frequency and Causes of Miscarriage

“Studies indicate that 15 to 20 percent of all diagnosed pregnancies end in miscarriage,” says The World Book Encyclopedia. “But the risk of miscarriage is highest during the first two weeks following conception (fertilization), a time at which most women do not even know they are pregnant.” Another reference states that over “80 percent of miscarriages occur in the first 12 weeks of pregnancy,” of which at least half are thought to be caused by defects in the chromosomes of the fetus. These defects are not the result of similar defects in the chromosomes of the mother or father.

Other causes of miscarriage may stem from the mother’s health. Medical authorities point to hormonal and immune system disorders, infections, and abnormalities in the cervix or the uterus of the mother. Chronic diseases such as diabetes (if poorly controlled) and high blood pressure may also be factors.

According to experts, miscarriage is not necessarily caused by exercising, lifting heavy objects, or having sexual relations. It is unlikely that a fall, a minor blow, or a sudden fright will cause miscarriage. One reference says: “The fetus is unlikely to be harmed by an injury unless the injury is serious enough to threaten your own life.” How well the design of the womb testifies to a wise and loving Creator!​—Psalm 139:13, 14.

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How Family and Friends Can Help

Sometimes it is hard to know just what to say or do when a family member or a friend suffers a miscarriage. People react differently to such a loss, so there is no single formula for offering comfort and help. Consider, however, the following suggestions. *

Practical things you can do to help:

◆ Offer to look after older children.

◆ Prepare a meal and bring it to the family.

◆ Be there for the father too. As one father said, “they don’t make many cards for dads in this situation.”

Helpful things to say:

◆ “I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage.”

These simple words mean a lot, and they can open the door for further comforting words.

◆ “It’s OK to cry.”

Tears are often near the surface in the first weeks or even months after a miscarriage. Assure the person that you do not think any less of her for showing her emotions.

◆ “May I call you again next week to see how you’re doing?”

Initially, sufferers may receive a lot of sympathy, but as time goes by and they are still in pain, they may feel that others have forgotten them. It is nice for them to know that your support is ongoing. Feelings can surface for weeks or months. They may even well up after a successful pregnancy.

◆ “I don’t really know what to say.”

Saying that is often better than saying nothing. Both your honesty and the fact that you are there reflect your concern.

What not to say:

◆ “You can always have another baby.”

While this may be true, it may be perceived as reflecting a lack of empathy. The parents did not want just any baby, they wanted that baby. Before they can think about having another one, they will likely need to grieve for the baby they lost.

◆ “There was probably something wrong with it.”

Although this may be so, it’s not very comforting. In the mother’s mind, she was carrying a healthy baby.

◆ “At least you didn’t really know the baby. It would have been much worse if it had occurred later.”

Most women bond with their unborn babies very early on. So when such a baby dies, grief usually follows. This grief is enhanced by the fact that no one else “knew” the baby as the mother did.

◆ “At least you have your other children.”

To the grieving parents, this may be the equivalent of saying to someone who has lost a limb: “At least you have your other one.”

Of course, it must be acknowledged that even the most caring and sincere people occasionally say the wrong thing. (James 3:2) Hence, discerning women who have suffered a miscarriage would want to show Christian love and not harbor ill feelings toward those who make well-meaning but clumsy remarks.​—Colossians 3:13.

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