Do You Feel Misunderstood?

ANTONIO felt perturbed. Suddenly and inexplicably, his good friend Leonardo had become cool toward him. * On different occasions Antonio’s greetings had not been acknowledged, and when in each other’s company, there now seemed to be a wall between them. Antonio began to fear that he must have done or said something that his friend had misunderstood. But what?

Misunderstandings are common. Many are minor and are easily rectified. Others can be most frustrating, especially when wrong impressions persist despite all efforts to banish them. Why do misunderstandings occur? How do they affect the individuals involved? What can you do if others misunderstand something you do? Does it really matter what others think about you anyway?

An Inescapable Reality

Since other people cannot read our thoughts and intentions, sooner or later someone is going to misinterpret our words or actions. Potential for misunderstandings abounds. At times, we simply fail to express our thoughts with the desired clarity and precision. Background noise and other distractions may make it hard for others to devote their full attention to us.

Certain ways and manners too are open to misinterpretation. A timid person, for instance, may wrongly be judged to be cool, aloof, or proud. Past personal experiences may result in emotional rather than rational reactions to certain situations. Cultural and linguistic differences mean that comprehension cannot be taken for granted. Add to this inaccurate reporting and gossip, and it should not surprise us that meanings attributed to things said or done sometimes differ from what was originally intended. All of this, of course, offers scant comfort to those who sense that their intentions have been misconstrued.

For example, Anna had made an innocent remark about the popularity of an absent friend. The remark was repeated out of context,  and then, to Anna’s surprise and dismay, that friend angrily accused her before several onlookers of being jealous of the attentions the friend had received from a certain male associate. Anna’s remark had been completely misinterpreted, and all of her efforts to assure her friend that she intended no harm proved fruitless. That situation caused a great deal of pain, and much time passed before Anna could completely rectify the misunderstanding.

How others evaluate you often depends on their perception of your intentions. So it is natural to feel bad when people interpret your motive incorrectly. You might be indignant, feeling that there is no reason why anyone should misunderstand you. To you, such evaluations are biased, critical, or completely wrong, and they can hurt deeply​—particularly if you value the opinion of those making the unjust assessments.

Though you might be annoyed at the way people judge you, it is nonetheless appropriate to respect the opinion of others. It is not Christian to disregard what others think, and never would we want our words or actions to have a damaging effect on other people. (Matthew 7:12; 1 Corinthians 8:12) So on occasion you might need to make an effort to rectify someone’s misguided opinion about you. Excessive concern for approval, however, is counterproductive, leading to loss of self-respect or a feeling of rejection. After all, your true value does not depend on what others think.

On the other hand, you may recognize that the criticism against you is well-founded. That, too, can hurt, but if you willingly and honestly acknowledge your own imperfections, such experiences can be positive, spurring you to make the needed changes.

Negative Consequences

Misunderstandings may or may not lead to serious results. If you hear a man talking loudly in a restaurant, for instance, you might conclude that he is either an extrovert or a show-off. You might be wrong. The person he is talking to could have a hearing problem. Or perhaps a salesclerk seems unpleasant, but maybe she is not feeling well. Although such misunderstandings lead to negative impressions, they will likely produce no serious or lasting consequences. Sometimes, though, misunderstandings can provoke disaster. Consider two episodes in the history of ancient Israel.

When Nahash, king of Ammon, died, David sent messengers to console his son Hanun, who had begun to rule in his father’s place. However, the messengers’ visit was misinterpreted as a hostile spying out of Ammonite territory, moving Hanun first to humiliate the messengers and then to make war on Israel. As a result, at least 47,000 people died​—all because of a misunderstanding of good intentions.​—1 Chronicles 19:1-19.

Earlier in Israel’s history, another misunderstanding was resolved quite differently. The tribes of Reuben and Gad and the half tribe of Manasseh built a conspicuous altar by the Jordan River. The rest of Israel saw this  as an act of unfaithfulness, a rebellion against Jehovah. They therefore congregated for military action. Before doing anything drastic, these other Israelites sent messengers to express indignation at the perceived act of infidelity. It was well that they did, for the builders of the altar replied that they had no intention of turning from pure worship. On the contrary, the altar was to serve as a monument of their faithfulness to Jehovah. This misunderstanding could have caused a bloodbath, but wisdom averted such dire consequences.​—Joshua 22:10-34.

Clarify Matters in a Spirit of Love

To compare these accounts is instructive. Obviously, clarifying the issue is the wise thing to do. In the episode last discussed, who knows how many lives were spared simply because the two sides talked? In most cases, lives will not be at stake if you fail to grasp someone else’s real intentions, but friendships might be. So if you feel that someone has acted improperly toward you, are you sure that you understand things the way they really are, or are you misinterpreting them? What were the other person’s motives? Ask him. Do you feel misunderstood? Talk about it. Do not allow pride to get in the way.

Jesus offered excellent incentive to resolving misunderstandings: “If, then, you are bringing your gift to the altar and you there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar, and go away; first make your peace with your brother, and then, when you have come back, offer up your gift.” (Matthew 5:23, 24) So the proper thing to do is to approach the person in private, without involving others. It is not going to help if the offending party hears your complaint from somebody else first. (Proverbs 17:9) Your goal should be to make peace in a spirit of love. Calmly define the problem in clear, simple, nonaccusatory words. Explain how the situation makes you feel. Then listen objectively to the other point of view. Do not be hasty about imputing motives. Be willing to grant the other person the benefit of the doubt. Remember, love “believes all things.”​—1 Corinthians 13:7.

Of course, even when misunderstandings are cleared up, there may still be hurt feelings or enduring negative consequences. What can be done? Where necessary, sincere apologies are certainly in order, along with any other action that can reasonably be taken toward setting matters straight. In all such situations, the injured party would do well to follow the inspired counsel: “Continue putting up with one another and forgiving one another freely if anyone has a cause for complaint against another. Even as Jehovah freely forgave you, so do you also. But, besides all these things, clothe yourselves with love, for it is a perfect bond of union.”​—Colossians 3:13, 14; 1 Peter 4:8.

As long as we are imperfect, there will be misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Anyone can make a mistake or speak in a way that sounds insensitive or unkind. The Bible points out: “We all stumble many times. If anyone does not stumble in word, this one is a perfect man, able to bridle also his whole body.” (James 3:2) Since Jehovah God is well aware of this, he has provided us with these instructions: “Do not hurry yourself in your spirit to become offended, for the taking of offense is what rests in the bosom of the stupid ones. Also, do not give your heart to all the words that people may speak, that you may not hear your servant calling down evil upon you. For your own heart well knows even many times that you, even you, have called down evil upon others.”​—Ecclesiastes 7:9, 21, 22.

 “Jehovah Is Making an Estimate of Hearts”

What if it appears to be impossible to correct someone’s bad impression of you? Do not despair. Go on cultivating and manifesting Christian qualities as best you can. Ask Jehovah to help you to improve where you need to. Your true value as a person ultimately is not determined by other people. Only Jehovah can make an accurate “estimate of hearts.” (Proverbs 21:2) Even Jesus was held of little account and was despised by men, but that did not affect the way Jehovah viewed him. (Isaiah 53:3) Although some may misjudge you, you can “pour out your heart” to Jehovah, confident that he understands you, “for not the way man sees is the way God sees, because mere man sees what appears to the eyes; but as for Jehovah, he sees what the heart is.” (Psalm 62:8; 1 Samuel 16:7) If you persist in doing what is fine, those who have formed a bad impression of you may, in time, realize their error and change their opinion.​—Galatians 6:9; 2 Timothy 2:15.

Do you remember Antonio, mentioned at the beginning of the article? He mustered up the courage to follow Scriptural advice, and he spoke with his friend Leonardo, asking what he had done to upset him. The result? Leonardo was flabbergasted. He replied that Antonio had done nothing at all to upset him and assured him that he had not meant to act any differently toward him. If he had seemed cool, maybe he was just lost in thought. Leonardo apologized that he had unwittingly hurt his friend’s feelings and thanked him for bringing the matter to his attention. He added that in the future, he would be more careful so as not to give the same impression to others. All tension simply vanished, and the two friends proved to be just as close as ever.

It is never pleasant to feel misunderstood. However, if you take all possible steps to clarify matters and apply the Scriptural principles of love and forgiveness, in all likelihood, you too will attain the same good results.

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Clarifying matters in a spirit of love and forgiveness can lead to happy results