N’chifukwa Chiyani Chikondi Chimazirala?

“Zimaoneka kukhala zosavuta kwambiri kuyamba kukondana kusiyana ndi kupitiriza kukondana.”—Dr. Karen Kayser.

KUCHULUKA kwa maukwati opanda chikondi mwina si kodabwitsa. Ukwati ndi ubale wa anthu wosamvetsetseka, ndipo ambiri amaloŵamo atakonzekera pang’ono. “Timafunika kusonyeza ukatswiri kuti tipeze laisensi ya galimoto,” akutero Dr. Dean S. Edell, “koma malaisensi a ukwati angapezeke ndi siginechala basi.”

Choncho, pamene m’maukwati ambiri zinthu zili bwino ndipo alidi achimwemwe, ena akusoŵa mtendere. Mwina wina kapena onse aŵiri okwatiranawo analoŵa m’banja akuyembekezera zambiri koma alibe maluso ofunika pa ubale wokhalitsa. “Pamene anthu amayamba kudziŵana,” Dr. Harry Reis akutero, “amakhala otsimikizirana kwambiri.” Amaona ngati kuti mnzawoyo ndiye “munthu yekha padziko amene amaona zinthu mmene iwo amaonera. Nthaŵi zina malingaliro amenewo amazirala, ndipo akazirala, angawononge ukwati kwambiri.”

N’zosangalatsa kuti maukwati ambiri safika mpaka pamenepo. Ndiye tiyeni tiganizire mwachidule mfundo zochepa zimene nthaŵi zina zachititsa chikondi kuzirala.

Zokhumudwitsa—“Sizimene Ndimayembekeza”

“Pamene ndinakwatiwa ndi Jim,” akutero Rose, ‘ndinkaganiza kuti tidzakhala ngati mkazi ndi mwamuna wake—okondana nthaŵi zonse komanso okomerana mtima ndi oganizirana.’” Koma patangotha nthaŵi yochepa, ‘mwamuna’ wa Rose sanakhalenso wosangalatsa. “Ndinakhumudwa naye kwambiri,” akutero.

Mafilimu ambiri, mabuku, ndi nyimbo zotchuka zimaphimba chithunzi chenicheni cha chikondi. Pokhala pachibwenzi, mwamuna ndi mkazi angaone ngati kuti zimene amafuna kwambiri zija zikutheka; koma patatha zaka zochepa atakwatirana, amafika polingalira kuti zimene ankaganiza zija ankangolota! Chilichonse chosiyana ndi za m’mabuku achikondi, chimachititsa ukwati woti n’kukhala wabwinobwino kuoneka ngati wolephereratu.

Inde, ngati munthuwe ukuyembekezera zina mu ukwati n’zabwino ndithu. Mwachitsanzo, n’koyenera kuyembekeza mnzako kukukonda, kukuganizira, ndi kukuchirikiza. Komabe, ngakhale zimenezi sizingakwaniritsidwe nthaŵi zina. “Ndimatsala pang’ono kuona ngati kuti sindinakwatiwe,” akutero Meena, mtsikana wokwatiwa ku India. “Ndimasukidwa komanso ndimaona ngati sandiganizira.”

Kusayenerana—“Sitigwirizana pa Chilichonse”

“Ine ndi mwamuna wanga timasiyana pa chilichonse,” mkazi wina akutero. “Tsiku silipita osadandaula kuti ndinalakwa kuganiza zokwatiwa naye. Ndife osayenerana m’pangono pomwe.”

Kaŵirikaŵiri sipatenga nthaŵi yaitali kwa okwatirana kuti atulukire kuti sali ofanana kwenikweni ngati mmene anali kuganizira adakali paubwenzi.  “Ukwati kaŵirikaŵiri umavumbula mikhalidwe yawo imene okwatiranawo anabisirana moyo wawo wonse adakali mbeta,” analemba choncho Dr. Nina S. Fields.

Chifukwa cha zimenezo, atakwatirana ena angaganize kuti ali osayenerana n’komwe. “Ngakhale kuti angafanane mwina ndi mwina zokonda zawo ndi umunthu, anthu ambiri amaloŵa m’banja ali osiyana kwambiri khalidwe, zizoloŵezi, ndi maganizo,” akutero Dr. Aaron T. Beck. Okwatirana ambiri sadziŵa kuthetsa zosiyana zimenezo.

Kukangana—“Timangotsutsana Nthaŵi Zonse”

“Tinali odabwa mmene tinali kumenyanirana—ngakhale kukalipirana, mwina kuposa  pamenepo mpaka kungopanga msunamo osalankhulana masiku angapo,” anatero Cindy pokumbukira masiku oyambirira a ukwati wake.

Mu ukwati, kusemphana maganizo n’kosapeŵeka. Koma kodi m’mathana nako bwanji? “Mu ukwati wolimba,” Dr. Daniel Goleman analemba motero, “mwamuna ndi mkazi amakhala omasuka kudandaula. Komanso kaŵirikaŵiri pamene akwiya kwambiri amafotokoza madandaulo awo mwanjira yopweteka, kunena za khalidwe la mnzake.”

Zikatero, kukambirana kumakhala nkhondo pamene munthu amateteza maganizo ake mosalolera ndipo mawu amakhala zida m’malo mokhala zipangizo zolankhulirana. Kagulu kena ka akatswiri kakuti: “Ponena za mikangano yosalamulirika, chinthu chimodzi mwa zinthu zowononga kwambiri n’chakuti okwatirana amakonda kunena zinthu zimene zimasokoneza mbali yofunika kwambiri pa ukwati wawo.”

Mphwayi—“Tanyanyala”

“Ndasiya kuyesetsa kuwongolera ukwati wathu,” anaulula choncho mkazi wina atakhala m’banja zaka zisanu. “Ndikudziŵa kuti suwongokeranso tsopano. Choncho ndikungodera nkhaŵa ana athu.”

Amati chimene chimasokoneza chikondi si chidani kwenikweni koma mphwayi. Indedi, mphwayi ingawononge ukwati ngati ndewu.

Komabe, n’zomvetsa chisoni kuti ena amazoloŵera kukhala mu ukwati wopanda chikondi moti amatayiratu chiyembekezo chakuti zinthu zingasinthe. Mwachitsanzo, mwamuna wina ananena kuti kukhala m’banja kwa zaka 23 kunali ngati “kukhala pantchito imene suikonda.” Anawonjeza kunena kuti: “Umangochita zimene ungathe basi.” Mofananamo, mkazi wina dzina lake Wendy anataya chiyembekezo chakuti zinthu zidzasintha ndi mwamuna wake amene wakhala naye zaka zisanu ndi ziŵiri. “Ndinayesetsa kambirimbiri,” akutero, “koma amangondigwetsa ulesi. Zotsatira zake ndinangokhala wopsinjika. Sindikufuna kuti zimenezo zindichitikirenso. Ngati ndikhalanso ndi chiyembekezo, ndidzangovutika kwambiri. M’malo mwake ndi bwino kusayembekeza chilichonse—inde, sindingasangalale kwambiri, koma ubwino wake sindingakhale wopsinjika.”

Kukhumudwa, kusayenerana, kukangana, ndi mphwayi zangokhala chabe mfundo zina zimene zingachititse ukwati kukhala wopanda chikondi. N’zachidziŵikire kuti pali zambiri—zina zochepa n’zimene zasonyezedwa m’bokosilo patsamba 5. Ngakhale zoyambitsa zikhale zotani, kodi pali chiyembekezo chakuti zinthu zingawakhalire bwino okwatirana amene akuganiza kuti zikuvuta kuchoka mu ukwati wopanda chikondi?

[Bokosi/Chithunzi patsamba 5]

MAUKWATI OPANDA CHIKONDI—ZIFUKWA ZAKE ZINA

• Ndalama: “Wina angaganize kuti kupanga bajeti kungathandize kugwirizanitsa banja chifukwa chochitira zinthu pamodzi, kuika pamodzi ndalama zawo zothandiza m’moyo, ndiponso kukondwera ndi zotsatira za ntchito zawo. Komanso, pankhani imeneyi, chimene chingagwirizanitse banja kuchitira zinthu pamodzi kaŵirikaŵiri chimalisiyanitsanso.”—Dr. Aaron T. Beck.

• Kukhala Makolo: “Tapeza kuti mabanja 67 mwa mabanja 100 alionse kukhutira kwawo ndi ukwati kumachepa kwambiri mwana wawo woyamba atabadwa, ndipo kukangana kumaposa pamenepo kasanu ndi katatu. Chifukwa china n’chakuti makolo amatopa ndipo sakhala ndi nthaŵi yokwanira yokhala aŵiriŵiri.”—Dr. John Gottman.

• Chinyengo: “Nthaŵi zambiri kusakhulupirika kumaphatikizapo chinyengo, ndipotu chinyengo chimathetsa kukhulupirirana. Popeza kukhulupirirana ndi mbali yofunika kwambiri m’maukwati onse opambana ndi okhalitsa, kodi tingadabwe kuti chinyengo chimawononga ukwati?”—Dr. Nina S. Fields.

• Kugonana: “Pamene anthu apita kukhoti kuti asudzulane, chodabwitsa n’chakuti ambiri amakhala ataleka kugonana zaka zambiri chifukwa chokanizana. Kwa ena zimachitika kuti sanakhazikitse n’komwe mgwirizano wa kugonana, ndipo kwa ena, kugonana kunali kwa mwambo chabe, kongofuna kuziziritsa thupi la wina.”—Judith S. Wallerstein, katswiri wa zamaganizo.

[Bokosi/Chithunzi patsamba 6]

KODI ANA AMAKHUDZIDWA BWANJI?

Kodi mkhalidwe wa banja lanu ungakhudze ana anu? Malinga n’kunena kwa Dr. John Gottman, amene kwa zaka 20 wafufuza anthu okwatirana, yankho n’lakuti inde. “Pakufufuza kuŵiri kwa zaka khumi nthaŵi imodzi,” iye akutero, “tinapeza kuti makanda amene makolo awo sakondwa, mtima wawo umagunda kwambiri poseŵera ndi ena ndipo satha kudzitonthoza okha. Patapita nthaŵi, kukangana m’banja kumachititsa anawo kulephera kusukulu, mosasamala kanthu za nzeru zawo.” Mosiyana ndi zimenezo, Dr. Gottman ananena kuti ana a m’mabanja ogwirizana “amachita bwino kusukulu komanso pakati pa anthu ena, chifukwa makolo awo anawaphunzitsa mmene angalemekezere anthu ena ndiponso mmene angachitire atasokonezeka maganizo.”