1. Ukukhulumisana okuhle kuyisize kanjani imishado?

UMZALWANE othile eCanada wathi: “Ngincamela ukuchitha isikhathi nomkami kunomunye umuntu. Noma iyiphi injabulo enginayo ekuphileni iyanda futhi noma yibuphi ubuhlungu engibuzwayo buncipha kakhulu uma ngimtshela ngabo.” Umyeni othile e-Australia wabhala: “Eminyakeni engu-11 sindawonye, akukaze kudlule ngisho nosuku olulodwa ngingakhulumanga nomkami. Akekho kithi ongabazayo noma okhathazeka ngokuthi umshado wethu uqinile yini. Ngokuyinhloko, lokhu kubangelwa ukuthi sixoxa njalo futhi ngendlela eyakhayo.” Udade othile eCosta Rica wathi: “Ukukhulumisana okuhle akugcinanga nje ngokuthuthukisa umshado wethu kodwa kusenze sasondelana noJehova, kwasivikela ezilingweni, kwasenza saba munye njengombhangqwana futhi kwakhulisa uthando lwethu.”

2. Iziphi izinto ezingase ziphazamise ukukhulumisana okuhle?

² Ingabe wena noshade naye nikhulumisana kahle, noma ingabe nikuthola kunzima ukuba nengxoxo eyakhayo? Kuyaqondakala ukuthi kungase kuphakame izimo ezinzima, ngoba umshado uhlanganisa abantu ababili abangaphelele abanobuntu obuhlukile, kuhlanganise nemikhuba ehambisana namasiko nendlela abakhule ngayo. (Roma 3:23) Ngaphezu kwalokho, umbhangqwana ungaba nezindlela ezingafani zokukhulumisana. Yingakho-ke abacwaningi bemishado uJohn M. Gottman noNan Silver bethi: “Kudingeka isibindi, ukuzimisela nokuqina ukuze ulondolozwe.”

3. Yini eye yasiza imibhangqwana ukuba iqinise imishado yayo?

³ Yiqiniso ukuze umshado uphumelele kudingeka ukuzikhandla. Kodwa omunye wemiphumela yalokhu kuba injabulo engenakulinganiswa. Umbhangqwana othandanayo ungakujabulela ngempela ukuphila ndawonye. (UmSh. 9:9) Cabanga ngomshado onothando ka-Isaka noRebheka. (Gen. 24:67) Nakuba kwase kuyisikhathi  eside beshadile, akukho okubonisa ukuthi uthando lwabo lwancipha. Kungashiwo okufanayo ngemibhangqwana eminingi namuhla. Iyini imfihlo yayo? Iye yafunda ukusho ekucabangayo nokuveza imizwa yayo komunye nomunye ngobuqotho nangomusa, ngokuhlakulela nangokubonisa ukuqonda, uthando, inhlonipho ejulile nokuthobeka. Njengoba sizobona manje, lapho lezi zimfanelo ezibalulekile zikhona emshadweni, imizila yokukhulumisana ihlale ivulekile.

4, 5. Ukuqonda kungawusiza kanjani umbhangqwana oshadile ukuba ukwazi ukuqonda omunye nomunye ngokugcwele? Nikeza izibonelo.

⁴ IzAga 16:20 zithi: “Obonisa ukuqondisisa endabeni uyothola okuhle.” La mazwi ayiqiniso uma kuziwa ezindabeni zomshado nomndeni. (Funda izAga 24:3.) IZwi likaNkulunkulu lingumthombo ongcono kunayo yonke wokuqonda nokuhlakanipha. UGenesise 2:18 usitshela ukuthi uNkulunkulu wenza owesifazane waba umsizi wendoda, akamenzanga waba enye indoda. Indima yowesifazane ibonakala endleleni akhuluma ngayo. Yiqiniso, abantu abafani, kodwa ngokuvamile abesifazane bathanda ukukhuluma ngemizwa yabo, ngabantu nangobuhlobo babantu. Bathanda ukukhulunyiswa ngomusa nangothando ngoba lokho kubenza baqiniseke ukuthi bayathandwa. Ngakolunye uhlangothi, amadoda amaningi awathandisisi ukukhuluma ngemizwa yawo, athambekele ekukhulumeni ngomsebenzi, izinkinga nezisombululo zazo. Noma kunjalo, amadoda afuna ukuhlonishwa.

⁵ Omunye udade eBrithani wathi: “Umyeni wami ufuna ukuxazulula inkinga ngokushesha kunokuba angilalele. Lokhu kungikhungathekisa kakhulu lapho ngisuke ngizifunela ‘itiye nje nomuntu ozozwelana nami.’” Umyeni othile wabhala: “Lapho mina nomkami sisanda kushada, ngangithambekele ekutholeni ngokushesha isisombululo sanoma iyiphi inkinga ayenayo. Nokho, ngabe sengithola ukuthi empeleni usuke efuna ngimlalele.” (IzAga 18:13; Jak. 1:19) Umyeni onokuqonda uyayicabangela imizwa yomkakhe bese ezama ukusabela ngendlela efanele. Ngesikhathi esifanayo, uyamqinisekisa ukuthi imicabango nemizwa yakhe ibalulekile kuye. (1 Pet. 3:7) Nayo inkosikazi iyazama ukuqonda umbono womyeni wayo. Lapho indoda nomfazi beziqonda, bezazisa futhi bezifeza izindima zabo ezingokomBhalo, umshado wabo uba muhle kakhulu. Ngaphezu kwalokho, bayakwazi ukwenza ndawonye izinqumo ezihlakaniphile nezinengqondo.

6, 7. (a) Isimiso esitholakala kumShumayeli 3:7 singabasiza kanjani abashadile ukuba babonise ukuqonda? (b) Inkosikazi ingakubonisa kanjani ukuqonda futhi imuphi umzamo okufanele wenziwe umyeni?

⁶ Umbhangqwana onokuqonda uyazi nokuthi ‘kunesikhathi sokuthula nesikhathi sokukhuluma.’ (UmSh. 3:1, 7) Omunye udade oseneminyaka eyishumi eshadile waphawula lokhu, “Manje sengiyazi ukuthi kunezikhathi lapho ukuveza indaba ethile kungafaneleki khona. Uma umyeni wami exakwe umsebenzi neminye imithwalo yemfanelo, ngiyalinda kancane ukuba kudlule isikhathi ngaphambi kokuba ngiveze indaba ethile. Ngenxa yalokho izingxoxo zethu seziyashelela.” Amakhosikazi anokuqonda abuye akhulume ngendlela enomusa, eqaphela ukuthi izwi elikhethwe kahle “elikhulunywe ngesikhathi esifanele” liyakhanga futhi liyathandeka.—Funda izAga 25:11.

⁷ Umyeni ongumKristu kufanele enze ingxenye yakhe ngokungagcini nje ngokulalela lokho umkakhe akushoyo kodwa nangokuzama ukuveza eyakhe imizwa ngokucacile. Umdala oseneminyaka engu-27 eshadile wathi: “Kudingeka ngizikhandle ukuze ngitshele umkami lokho okusekujuleni kwenhliziyo yami.” Umzalwane oseneminyaka engu-24 eshadile wathi: “Ngiye ngivalele izinto ngaphakathi, ngizitshele ukuthi, ‘Uma ngingakhulumi ngazo, zizodlula.’ Nokho, sengibonile ukuthi ukuveza imizwa yami akulona uphawu lobuthakathaka. Uma kunzima ukuveza indlela engizizwa ngayo, ngithandazela ukuthola amazwi akahle nendlela efanele yokuwasho. Ngibe sengidonsa umoya, ngiqale ukukhuluma.”  Okunye okuwusizo ukukhetha isikhathi esikahle, mhlawumbe lapho umbhangqwana uhlola umBhalo wosuku noma ufunda iBhayibheli ndawonye.

8. Isiphi esinye isisusa imibhangqwana engamaKristu enaso sokwenza imishado yawo iphumelele?

⁸ Kubalulekile ukuba umyeni nenkosikazi bathandaze futhi babe nesifiso esinamandla sokuthuthukisa amakhono abo okukhulumisana. Kuyiqiniso ukuthi kungaba nzima ukushintsha imikhuba emidala. Kodwa uma umbhangqwana uthanda uJehova, ucela umoya wakhe futhi ubheka umshado njengongcwele, uba nesisusa abaningi abasintulayo. Inkosikazi esineminyaka engu-26 ishadile yabhala: “Mina nomyeni wami sibheka umshado njengento ebalulekile njengoba noJehova ewubheka kanjalo, ngakho asikucabangi ngisho nokuhlala ngokwehlukana. Lokhu kwenza sizikhandle nakakhulu ukuba silungise izinkinga ngokukhuluma ngazo.” Ukwethembeka nokuzinikela okunjalo kuNkulunkulu kuyamjabulisa futhi kulethe isibusiso sakhe esicebile.—IHu. 127:1.

9, 10. Iziphi izindlela ezisebenzayo imibhangqwana engaqinisa ngazo izibopho zothando?

⁹ Uthando, “isibopho esiphelele sobunye,” luyimfanelo ebaluleke kakhulu emshadweni. (Kol. 3:14) Uthando lwangempela luyakhula njengoba umbhangqwana othembekile uba nezikhathi zokujabula futhi ubhekana nezinselele zokuphila ndawonye. Abantu abashadile baba abangane abasondelene nakakhulu futhi bayakujabulela ukuba ndawonye. Imishado enjalo ayilondolozwa kuphela izenzo ezimbalwa ezinkulu, njengoba kuvezwa abezindaba kodwa kuba izenzo ezincane eziningi—ukwanga, amazwi amnandi, isenzo esibonisa ukucabangela, ukumomotheka okunothando noma ukubuza ngobuqotho ukuthi “belunjani usuku lwakho?” Lezi zinto ezincane zingenza lukhulu emshadweni. Omunye umbhangqwana osuneminyaka engu-19 ujabule emshadweni, ushayelana ucingo noma uthumelelane imiyalezo njengoba usuku luqhubeka “ukuze nje sazi ukuthi izinto zihamba kanjani,” kusho umyeni.

¹⁰ Uthando luphinde lushukumisele umbhangqwana ukuba uqhubeke ufundana. (Fil. 2:4) Lolo lwazi lwenza uthando lwawo lukhule futhi luqine naphezu kokungapheleli kwawo. Umshado ophumelelayo awumi ndawonye kodwa uyaqhubeka ukhula futhi uqina ngokuhamba kwesikhathi. Khona-ke uma ushadile, zibuze: ‘Ngimazi kangakanani umuntu engishade naye? Ingabe ngiyayiqonda imizwa nemibono yakhe ngezinto? Ngicabanga kangakanani ngomuntu engishade naye, mhlawumbe ngezimfanelo anazo okuyizo ezangikhanga ekuqaleni?’

11. Kungani inhlonipho ibalulekile emshadweni ophumelelayo? Bonisa.

¹¹ Ngisho nemishado ejabulisa kakhulu ihlanganisa abantu abangaphelele, futhi umbhangqwana othandanayo ungase ungaboni ngaso linye ngaso sonke isikhathi. U-Abrahama noSara babengavumelani ngaso sonke isikhathi. (Gen. 21:9-11) Nokho, ukungaboni ngaso linye kwabo akuzange kubangele ukuba bangezwani. Kungani? Babehloniphana futhi benikana isithunzi. Ngokwesibonelo, u-Abrahama wasebenzisa igama elithi “siza” lapho ekhuluma noSara. (Gen. 12:11, 13) Yena ngakolunye uhlangothi, wayemlalela u-Abrahama futhi embheka ‘njengenkosi’ yakhe. (Gen. 18:12) Lapho umbhangqwana ungahloniphani, kuvame ukubonakala endleleni okhuluma ngayo nasezwini. (IzAga 12:18) Uma ungazixazululi izinkinga eziyimbangela, umshado wawo ungase uphele ngendlela edabukisayo.—Funda uJakobe 3:7-10, 17, 18.

12. Kungani ikakhulu abantu abasanda kushada kufanele bazikhandle ukuze bakhulumisane ngenhlonipho?

¹² Ikakhulu abantu abasanda kushada kufanele bazikhandle ukuba basebenzise amazwi anomusa nenhlonipho lapho bekhuluma, ngaleyo ndlela bayobe bebeka isisekelo sokukhulumisana ngokukhululekile nangobuqotho. Umyeni othile wathi: “Nakuba iminyaka yokuqala yomshado ijabulisa, ngezinye izikhathi ingakhungathekisa. Njengoba uqala ukubona imizwa, imikhuba nezidingo zomkakho—naye ebona ezakho—izinto zingase zingahambi kahle! Nokho, kuyonisiza uma nobabili nisingatha izinto ngendlela enengqondo, nithanda ukuncokola, futhi ninezimfanelo ezibangela ukuzinza emkhayeni zokuthobeka, ukubekezela nokuncika kuJehova.” Akeve eqinisile.

13. Kungani ukuthobeka kuyisici esibalulekile emshadweni ophumelelayo nojabulisayo?

¹³ Ukukhulumisana okuhle emshadweni kunjengamanzi ageleza kamnandi nangokuthula angene ensimini. Ukuba ‘abathobekile engqondweni’ kunendima ebalulekile ekugcineni lawo manzi egeleza. (1 Pet. 3:8) Umzalwane oseneminyaka engu-11 eshadile wathi: “Ukuthobeka kuyindlela eshesha kunazo zonke yokulungisa ukungezwani ngoba kwenza ukwazi ukuthi, ‘Ngiyaxolisa.’” Umdala oseneminyaka engu-20 emshadweni ojabulisayo wathi: “Ngezinye izikhathi amazwi athi, ‘Ngiyaxolisa’ abaluleke  ukudlula athi, ‘Ngiyakuthanda.’” Wanezela: “Umthandazo ungenye yezindlela eshesha kunazo zonke eyokusiza ukuba uthobeke. Lapho mina nomkami sithandaza kuJehova ndawonye, kusenza sikhumbule ukuthi asiphelele futhi sidinga umusa kaNkulunkulu ongafanelwe. Ukukhumbula lokhu kungisiza ukuba ngibheke izinto ngendlela efanele.”

14. Ukuqhosha kungawuthinta kanjani umshado?

¹⁴ Ngakolunye uhlangothi, ukuqhosha akukulethi neze ukuthula. Kuthikameza ukukhulumisana ngoba kwenza ungabi naso isifiso nesibindi sokuxolisa. Kunokuba ngokuthobeka athi, “Ngiyaxolisa,” umuntu oqhoshayo wenza izaba. Kunokuba ngesibindi avume ubuthaka bakhe, ukhomba amaphutha omunye. Uma oniwe, kunokuba aphishekele ukuthula, uyacasuka mhlawumbe aphindisele ngamazwi ahlabayo noma ngokumane athule angabe esakhuluma. (UmSh. 7:9) Ngempela, ukuqhosha kungawubulala umshado. Kuhle ukukhumbula ukuthi “uNkulunkulu umelana nabazidlayo, kodwa abathobekile ubapha umusa ongafanelwe.”—Jak. 4:6.

15. Chaza indlela ukusebenzisa isimiso esitholakala kweyabase-Efesu 4:26, 27 okungasiza ngayo umbhangqwana oshadile ukuba ulungise izingxabano ezingase zibe khona phakathi kwawo.

¹⁵ Yiqiniso, kungaba ukuzikhohlisa ukucabanga ukuthi ukuqhosha ngeke kube khona. Kudingeka sikubone futhi sisheshe sikulungise. UPawulu watshela amaKristu akanye nawo: “Ilanga malingashoni nisesimweni sokucasuka, futhi ningamniki uDeveli indawo.” (Efe. 4:26, 27) Ukwehluleka ukulalela iZwi likaNkulunkulu kungaholela ekucindezelekeni okungadingekile. Omunye udade wakhala, “Ngesinye isikhathi mina nomyeni wami sike singasisebenzisi iseluleko esikweyabase-Efesu 4:26, 27. Umphumela uvame ukuba ngingakwazi nhlobo ukulala!” Yeka ukuthi kungcono kanjani ukusheshe nixoxe ngezinto ninomgomo wokuxolelana! Yiqiniso, kungase kudingeke abangane bomshado banikezane isikhashana sokwehlisa umoya. Kuyafaneleka nokuthandazela usizo lukaJehova ukuze ube nesimo sengqondo esifanele. Lokhu kuhlanganisa ukuba nomoya wokuthobeka, ozokusiza ugxile enkingeni hhayi kuwe ngokwakho, hleze wenze isimo sibe sibi nakakhulu.—Funda eyabaseKolose 3:12, 13.

16. Ukuthobeka kungawusiza kanjani umbhangqwana ukuba ubheke izimfanelo ezinhle zomunye nomunye ngendlela efanele?

¹⁶ Ukuthobeka nesizotha kusiza umuntu oshadile ukuba agxile ezicini ezinhle zomngane wakhe. Ngokwesibonelo: Inkosikazi ingase ibe namakhono akhethekile azuzisa umkhaya. Uma umyeni wayo ethobekile futhi enesizotha, ngeke azizwe esongelwa umkakhe kunalokho uyomkhuthaza ukuba awasebenzise, ngaleyo ndlela ebonisa ukuthi uyamazisa. (IzAga 31:10, 28; Efe. 5:28, 29) Ngesikhathi esifanayo, inkosikazi ethobekile nenesizotha ngeke ibukise ngamakhono ayo noma yehlise umyeni wayo. Kakade, ‘banyamanye,’ ngakho okulimaza omunye kuyamlimaza nomunye.—Math. 19:4, 5.

17. Yini engasiza imishado yanamuhla ukuba ijabulise futhi ilethe udumo kuNkulunkulu?

¹⁷ Akungatshazwa ukuthi nifuna umshado wenu ufane noka-Abrahama noSara noma oka-Isaka noRebheka—ube ojabulisa ngempela, ohlala njalo noletha udumo kuJehova. Uma kunjalo, namathelani embonweni kaNkulunkulu ngomshado. Funani ukuqonda nokuhlakanipha okuseZwini lakhe. Hlakulelani uthando lwangempela—“ilangabi likaJah”—ngokucabanga ngokwazisa ngalowo oshade naye. (IsiHl. 8:6) Zikhandleni ekuhlakuleleni ukuthobeka. Mhloniphe umuntu oshade naye. Uma nenza lezi zinto, umshado wenu uyonilethela injabulo futhi uyojabulisa noBaba osezulwini. (IzAga 27:11) Ngempela, ningazizwa njengomyeni othile oseneminyaka engu-27 eshadile, owabhala: “Angiziboni ngiphila ngaphandle komkami. Umshado wethu uya uqina nsuku zonke. Lokhu kubangelwa uthando esinalo ngoJehova nokukhulumisana njalo.”